sad love
by yrume
Summary: SasoDei - shounen ai/yaoi - A very emotional story about the slowly developing relationship between Sasori and Deidara. Please only read if you don't get triggered easily - plot deals with depression, self-injury, violence, abuse
1. Chapter 1

Laughter.

Laughter all around me.

Husky giggles and whispers between chews, shiny white teeth exposed to me, snorts creeping into my ears. They're having fun, obviously enjoying themselves.

I put down my chopsticks and take a sip of water, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat.

I'm sitting next to familiar people, acquaintances, friends, but I feel unnoticed. They are talking to each other, chatting and babbling about things I know, people I know, places I know. But nobody is talking to me.

I stand up with a smile. A fake smile. I wonder why they don't notice. Or maybe they do, but they don't care.

I lock the door behind me and breathe a sigh of relief. I always complain about being alone, but I can't stand being around people, either. They're too noisy, too shallow. I just had to get out of this.

If I felt like laughing, I would laugh at myself right now. I'm locking myself away from my own party, hiding in the bathroom while my guests are enjoying themselves. How stupid is this?

Before I can think about it, I have slipped out a kunai. I aim it at my wrist, but stop right in front of it. I let the cold metal wander across my delicate skin, gliding up and down without really touching it, teasing.

I know this is stupid. I know it doesn't help. I know I'll feel even worse after it. But the moment the sharp metal of the weapon cuts my flesh, the moment I see the blood spill out and feel the pain shoot through my body feels so good, so relieving.

I move the weapon closer to my wrist, the blade already touching the skin, but still not hurting it. My body is shuddering with excitement. I am barely able to stand the tension any longer.

A familiar voice calls out my name.

"Deidara-kun, where are you?"

Damn it.

I put the kunai back into my pocket and pull my sleeve over my wrist quickly. Then I flush the toilet and unlock the door, facing a well-known person outside.

Sasori eyes me and frowns.

"Are you okay, Deidara-kun?"

Oh. I forgot.

"I'm fine", I reply and force the fake smile back onto my face.

Sasori gives me a confident look. Scary, how even wary people like him fall for it.

"They wait for you to open the champagne", Sasori says.

Of course. Eating and drinking, that's what people are interested in.

It's my birthday today. I only gave a party because everyone else does. I was astonished about how many people I know when I wrote the invitations. About thirty people are sitting in my garden. Most of them are former schoolmates from the academy, some are shinobi I teamed up with on missions, and some others I know because they are living next door.

Everyone I met once knows me. It's actually pretty hard to not know me. Whenever I appear I cause an uproar. I like explosions, I like bangs, and usually I also like talking. A lot. I'm known for talking my head off most of the time. I don't know why I do that. Maybe I keep talking loads of rubbish so that there is no time left to talk about serious things. Maybe I try to shut up the inner voices of mine, the voices that keep telling me to do strange things. Like cutting myself at my birthday party.

I pop the cork too hastily and spill the champagne. The sweet sparkling liquid is running down my hand, making it all wet and sticky. The mouth on my palm opens and licks it off at once, causing some of my guests to avert their eyes in disgust. I clench my fist in order to hide the tongue sticking out of my hand. I hate when it does that. People think I am in control of them, and most of the time I am, but sometimes they react instinctively. It's similar to when you blink when dazzled by light, you can't control that, either.

I wipe off my hand at my pants and pour the champagne. My guests drink a toast to me and down one glass after another. I start to feel a bit dizzy after a while, and I like it. I like that hot flush on my face and I like how my body relaxes after drinking alcohol. I don't feel like talking today, though, so I am glad when people start to leave the party.

Most of them have given stupid presents to me. As expected, tons of clay, as if I didn't have enough yet, and other funny things referring to my abilities or habits. Most of the people aren't very inventive with choosing presents, but at least most of the things are pretty useful to me.

The last guests leave when it's already dark. I feel a bit exhausted, but I'm not tired at all. I like the nights. I like flying over the village on one of my birds when it's dark. Everything is quiet then and mostly it's cold up in the sky, which is good to calm down. But today I won't travel through the skies. I have to clean up.

Two slate eyes meet mine when I start to collect the plates and glasses from the table.

"Shall I help you, Deidara-kun?"

My face is already hurting from all that fake-smiling today, but I guess I can do it one more time.

"No, thanks, Sasori-san", I say, "feel free to go home, hn."

He smiles at me and picks up some dishes as well.

"I'd like to stay and give you a hand", he says, "if I'm allowed to."

"If you insist, hn."

I avert my eyes quickly and turn around. I don't want him to see that I'm blushing. I don't know why, but for some reason it feels good to be near him.

"If you don't want me to stay, just tell me", he says, "I don't want to get on your nerves."

"No", I exclaim, surprised at my own reaction, "please stay."

He gives me a faint smile and continues to clean up.

We bring everything inside and put it in the sink. Sasori turns the water on.

"Wait", I say, "you don't have to wash the dishes now. I'm going to do that tomorrow, hn."

He really wants to help me. He. Really. Wants. To. Help. Me. Weird.

"You should go home now, hn", I say. Funny. Didn't I tell him to stay a few minutes ago?

"I forgot something", he says and walks over to me, "I forgot to give you your birthday present."

A pair of warm, juicy lips is pressed against mine within the next second. I pull back from him.

"You really should go now", I say, my voice shaky. He totally caught me off guard. I like him. I really do. He is probably the one I wanted to kiss more than someone else, but I'm not ready for this.

He doesn't apologize, but smiles at me. Not a smirk, a smile. He seems totally confident with what he has done. As if he planned it.

"Happy birthday, Deidara-kun", he says and starts to walk towards the door.


	2. Chapter 2

"Wait", I whisper. My heart is racing. I don't know if I want him to go or to stay. On the one hand, I want to be alone. I want to read a few pages, maybe wander around the house for a while, and then go to sleep. But on the other hand, I want to feel his warm lips on mine again.

He turns around with a quizzical look on his face. My body starts shivering when he eyes me. Those calm, steady eyes. I never realized how beautiful they were up to now.

"Forgot something?", he asks with a charming smile.

I make some shaky steps towards him. He is a bit shorter than me, which appears odd to me for a moment. I never realized that. He is older than me and much wiser. And he is handsome. Very. Handsome.

His face is close to mine now. I can feel his warm breath on my skin. I bend my head forward, but I don't dare to kiss him. My heart is beating so fast it almost hurts. Damn it. I'm too much of a coward to do this.

Sasori gives me one of those faint smiles again, and my legs start trembling. He takes my head in his hands and kisses me again, gently forcing his tongue into my mouth this time. He tastes of champagne, sweet and sparkling and a bit alcoholic. The world around me seems to stand still for a moment. There is complete silence. No music, no voices, no lights, just Sasori and me. I become aware of the funny sound our lips and tongues produce when we are kissing, and I curse myself for noticing. I am so goddamned unromantic.

When we break away from each other, Sasori's eyes are hazy.

"I wanted to do that for so long", he says.

I freeze at his words and blush. I never noticed he had a crush on me. He always gazes after me, but I thought he was just curious. He asks me every day how I am, but I thought it was just small talk. Damn it. How blind have I been?

"I wanted to do that earlier today", Sasori continues, "but I didn't want us to be watched by the others."

"Was that the reason you followed me when I left the table, hn?"

"Yes", he replies with a faint smile, "I wondered what you were doing. You looked stressed out."

A silent tear runs down his cheek as he bends his head.

My sleeve is pulled up just a tiny bit, but far enough for him to see the deep red cuts on my skin. I have no idea why I did this. I didn't show them to anyone so far.

"Don't do that", Sasori whispers with a shaky voice, "don't destroy yourself."

He leans against me and gently grabs my shoulders.

It takes me a few seconds until I realize that I'm supposed to hug him back. I lift my arms, but then stop. I don't know how to do this. How to hug him. I don't know where to wrap my arms around. His waist? His shoulders? His neck?

I'm glad I don't have to think about it any longer as Sasori lets go of me again and looks into my eyes.

"You're hurting", he says with a worried look. His voice is still just a whisper.

"I knew you were. But I didn't know it was that bad."

His eyes are full of tears now. He casts them down quickly.

"You think nobody likes you", he continues, "but that's not true."

"You like me, hn", I say, tonelessly.

He looks up at me. There it is again. That charming, faint smile of his.

"Much more than that, Deidara-chan."

I. Can't. Believe. He. Said. That.

The last time I was called chan was at the age of three, if I remember correctly. About twenty years ago.

This time I wrap my hands around him without thinking, pulling him close to me. I slowly put my lips onto his. Carefully. I'm afraid I could kill the magic of this very moment if I move too quickly.

This situation is so new to me. No bangs. No noise. No hurry. Just the light touch of Sasori's moist lips on mine and his warm breath on my skin.

His eyes are still closed after our kiss is over. He nestles his head on my shoulder. All of a sudden, I can barely suppress a yawn.

"Are you tired, Deidara-chan?", Sasori asks.

That name!

"Yeah. Kind of. Hn."

I. Am. Stupid. How come I give him the impression I'm bored when every fiber of my body is actually fully awake?

"Then let's go to bed", Sasori says. He blushes slightly when adding a request.

"May I stay with you tonight, Deidara-chan?"

We go upstairs. My bedroom is a mess, as usual. For the first time in my life I am ashamed of it. I know that Sasori is a tidy person. He looks around. At the shelves full of books I never read. At the clothes spread on the floor. And at the many empty bottles.

I don't know what to do, so I sit down onto the bed. I am glad Sasori only looks, but doesn't touch anything. I lift my arm and undo my hair tie, then slightly shake my head to make the strands fall down my back.

"You look different with your hair loose."

Sasori sits down next to me and looks into my eyes. He is still only looking, but not touching. I wish he would run his fingers through my hair again. The tension is unbearable. But both of us seem to be too shy to move.

"Your bed is comfortable", Sasori says.

"Yeah."

I feel like a teenager being on a date for the very first time.

"What are we supposed to do now?"

"I don't know, hn."

"I like that", Sasori says and lifts his head, smiling at me.

"What?"

"That 'hn'-sound you make at the end of your sentences."

I blush and cast my eyes down. "Don't make fun of me", I ask, "you know it's a speech impediment. I can't help it."

He tilts my head up gently. "I'm not making fun of you", he frowns, "I meant it. I like your voice. It makes me feel all warm inside."

I can feel my face flush red. All warm inside, that's what I feel like when he gives me one of his smiles.

He plants a little kiss on my cheek and snuggles up to me. I hug and squeeze him cautiously. It feels so good to be close to someone again. To have body contact. I almost forgot what that feels like.

Sasori moves even closer to me and gives me another kiss. I could get used to kissing again if he keeps doing that. I didn't like it much in former times, but his hot tongue moving in my mouth gives me a thrill. I try to return the kiss, but it doesn't work the way I want. I pull away from him.

"I suck at kissing, hn."

"Rubbish", Sasori says, "I wouldn't kiss you if that were true."

He starts to push his body against mine, slightly but firmly, and finally makes me lie down on my back. He kneels beside me and bends over me. Then he dives in for another kiss. His vibrant red hair is tickling my face, but I don't want to turn it away. I don't want him to stop. I want to learn how to do this properly. I want to give him the same feeling he is giving me right now.

"The only thing you suck at is being self-confident."

He brushes my bangs out of my face and gives me a surprised look.

There's a reason I wear that particular hairstyle. I want to avoid people seeing my bad eye, that's it. It was damaged years ago. I got used to it, but it doesn't look very nice. It's scarred, and all dull and cloudy, making its color appear slightly different from the other one. I twitch when Sasori's fingers slide around it carefully. It doesn't hurt, I was just startled.

"There's so much I don't know about you", he says.

"Most people don't know about that, hn", I reply. It isn't very clever to expose your weaknesses to others as a ninja.

"What happened?", Sasori asks.

Don't want to talk about that. Brings back bad memories. Very bad.

Sasori doesn't force me to an answer. He looks curious, though. Fascinated.

"Is it blind?", he asks.

"Not completely, hn." I can't see colors and the vision is blurred, but I can still distinguish light and darkness and also see movements.

Sasori lies down beside me on his side, his hand resting on my chest.

"You're so goddamned beautiful, Deidara-chan."


	3. Chapter 3

Beautiful? Did Sasori really call me beautiful?

I can't help it but stare at him. His eyes are almost closed now, and he looks completely relaxed. He's enjoying the situation to the fullest.

I roll over onto my side in order to watch him. He stretches out his hand and his fingers wander across my cheek, then down my neck. I shiver at the sensation. It feels so good to be touched by him. His hands are warm and soft, his touch is gentle. He is so tender with me it almost hurts.

He straightens himself, then pulls me into a kiss, slightly pushing against me, causing me to roll back and lie beneath him again. His small frame feels light on my body. For some reason I like him to be on top of me.

"I want to touch you all night", he says.

Do it, a voice in my head whispers, just do it.

I take his hand and quickly put it under my shirt. The touch brings back memories at once, memories of hands grabbing my body roughly, eager for more. Sasori's hands feel good, though. I can't help but gasp when his fingers start to caress my heated skin, but then he pulls his hand away, placing it on my face again as he continues to explore my mouth with his tongue.

I break away from the kiss.

"I thought you wanted to touch me, hn", I say. My voice sounds whiny, and I hate it.

"I do, but I don't want to go that far yet."

Sasori's sincere slate eyes look into mine. I thought he wanted to. I thought that was what he implied by telling me he wanted to touch me all night. I am confused, and he notices it. He seems to be able to read my mind at any moment. Creepy.

"You're a virgin, right?", he whispers.

Ouch. That hurt.

"No", I say slowly, "I'm not."

"You're not?", Sasori asks, a surprised look on his face.

"Not really, hn", I say.

I can imagine what my eyes look like now. Reproachful. Even if I don't want them to. Sasori frowns and casts down his eyes.

"That can't be true", he whispers, "please don't tell me you…"

There are no fake smiles anymore.

I'm grateful he doesn't say it, but the word is stuck on my mind, anyway. Rape rape rape rape rape.

Tears are running down from Sasori's closed eyes, his body is trembling. I'm oddly calm right now. I know I should be crying as well, but I ran out of tears long ago. I know I'm supposed to feel sad, or angry, or desperate, but actually, I don't feel anything at all.

Sasori squeezes me. I am lying under his touch without any motion, stiff, paralyzed. I didn't want to make him that sad.

"I'm sorry, hn", I say.

Sasori lifts his head and frowns at me, eyes filled with tears.

"What for?", he asks with a sob, "For being honest? For trusting me?"

His words cut more than any kunai ever could. From somewhere deep inside of me, a single tear starts to make its way up to my eye. I do trust him, more than anyone else in the world. Otherwise I wouldn't have allowed him to stay with me tonight.

Sasori sits up.

"I won't let anyone hurt you ever again, Deidara-chan", he says, causing more tears to run down my cheeks at once. I don't know where they come from. I can't bear how kind he is. I don't deserve this.

He looks down at me and wipes my tears away.

"I didn't know you were raped," he says.

Ouch ouch ouch. I wish he would shut up already, but he opens his mouth again.

"What…"

"Stop, hn."

I don't want to answer those questions. I asked them myself, hundreds, thousands of times. What happened? I was raped. Full stop. When did this happen? Years ago. At night. Where did this happen? In a quiet street. Things like that always happen in quiet places. Who did this to you? I don't know their names. Why did this happen? That's the most cruel question. I have no idea why it happened, and I will probably never know. Maybe I don't even want to know.

"I'm sorry", Sasori says with a guilty look.

I give him a faint smile. It isn't one of the fake smiles. I don't have to use them when I'm with him. I know he didn't ask me because he was curious, but because he is worried sick.

"I just want to enjoy the moment with you, hn."

I'm not a kid anymore. It's not that I think about that event every single minute of my life, and not every touch of his hands brings back memories. It is different to be kissed by Sasori. Better. Much better.

I snuggle up to him, my head on his lap, and wrap my arms around his waist. He presses me against him, holding me tight. His body is warm, and his scent is sweet, fruity, brisk.

"You smell good", I say and close my eyes.

I feel so comfortable in his arms, so secure.

"Of what?", he asks.

"Hn, I don't know. Just good. Strawberries, perhaps."

I don't know why it reminds me of strawberries. Maybe because of his red hair.

He bends down and runs his fingers through my hair, playfully twirling some strands. I really like when he does that. It makes shivers run down my spine. Pleasant shivers, not cold ones. I can feel him take in a deep breath.

"You smell of vanilla", he mumbles into my hair.

Vanilla? Holy shit. No wonder I'm mistaken for a girl all the time. I look up at Sasori, and he smiles.

"And of clay", he adds.

I can't help it but chuckle.

"Baka, hn", I say.

I would never have called him that before. He is my sensei, after all. Well, kind of. A superior, anyway. But I feel so close to him right now I'm not afraid of him anymore.

"Brat", he smirks.

He doesn't sound annoyed. His voice is soft, as well as his eyes as he looks down at me. We used to call each other names a while ago when we were on missions. He used to get annoyed by me easily. He doesn't talk much, but I'm a blabbermouth. He is impatient and doesn't want to wait, but I always make him wait, because I get distracted easily and fool around instead of finishing the mission in time. And we are of completely different opinions about art. I wonder what he actually likes about me. I always tried to impress him, but failed up to now.

"You're cute", Sasori says, "I like it when you blush."

I didn't realize I was blushing again.

"What else, hn?", I ask.

"Huh?"

My heart starts racing. I actually said it. Now there's no way back.

"What else do you like about me", I say, my voice shaky.

Sasori laughs.

"Everything, Deidara-chan", he says, "everything."

I know that can't be true, but for a moment I want to believe it. I'll believe anything he tells me, just for tonight. I reach for him, and he bends down his head, allowing my tongue to enter his mouth. He breaks away after a while to draw breath, but I pull him down to me again. Damn it, just a few kisses from Sasori and I'm already crazy about him.

"I love you", Sasori whispers into my ear.

Oh God. Please not.

I clinge to him, my hands desperately clutching his shoulders, burying my face to his chest to shut out all impressions around me. But it's too late. His words have already reached my heart and settled down, spreading warmth all over my body.

I hope he isn't lying to me. I really do. I couldn't bear it if he was.

My body is trembling, and Sasori presses me against him tightly, his hands gently stroking my back.

"Please don't let go of me, hn."

I want him to hold me all night. Now that he has sneaked into my heart, I want him to stay there forever. I'll break if he ever leaves me again.

"Why should I?", he asks with a smile, "It's been pretty hard to get that close to you, so I'm not letting you go again."

Slight panic seizes me when I hear his words, but it feels good at the same time. I guess I have to get used to being loved again.

We remain silent in this position for ages, it seems. He, half-sitting, half-lying, holding the light frame of mine, and me looking up at him from below. That's exactly how it is. He is the one who protects, and I'm the one who needs protection. I never thought I would be that weak, but I obviously am. And it feels so goddamned good to be held by him.

Slowly but surely I'm getting tired, so I pull him into a last kiss. I want to make sure I remember correctly how it feels, just in case I wake up tomorrow and realize all this was just a dream.

A slight whisper sneaks into my ear before I doze off.

"Good night, Deidara-chan."


	4. Chapter 4

I wake up in the middle of the night, shaking and sweaty and feeling sick. I don't know why. I never know why. It happens all the time. I guess I have nightmares, but apparently I forget them the moment I wake up. I feel like I've been chased, but I don't remember any pictures right now.

Sasori is sleeping, his arm wrapped around my waist. His head is rested on my shoulder, almost on my chest. I realize only now that I'm lying in my bed, on my back, with a blanket on me. Sasori must have put it there after I fell asleep. We're both in our everyday clothes. He because he doesn't have his sleeping clothes with him and me because I was too tired to change them. It felt so good to fall asleep in his arms I didn't want to get up again.

I feel like throwing up all of a sudden. I feel the urge to jump out of bed and run to the bathroom, but I don't want to wake Sasori up. I clench my teeth in order to force back the sour bitterness making its way up my throat, and carefully remove Sasori's arm from my body. I'm finally able to slip out from under the covers and sit up. Maybe too much champagne, I try to persuade myself, but I know it's not true. I'm not drunk. And I'm not sick. I'm panicking.

I stand up and stumble around in the dark room, swaying on my feet. I hate myself. I'm a wreck. I should be happy, having a person like Sasori sleeping in my bed, but instead I'm freaking out. I enter the bathroom and turn on the water. The ice cold liquid feels good in my face, but I'm still shaking. I stare at the toilet for a few minutes, even though I know I'm actually not going to vomit. Pictures of blood come into my mind, blood dripping down from my wrists, my arms, my eye. No, I won't do it this time. I try to replace the imaginations with pictures of something else, something good. Sasori. His vibrant red hair as a replacement for the red blood I was thinking about. His sad gray eyes when he saw my scars. His lips on mine. His smell. Him. Just him.

I start to calm down a bit, but I'm still feeling like I can't breathe. It stinks of clay and alcohol in the bedroom, the air is hot and stifling. I have to get out of here. I quickly open the window and grab a lump of clay from the table beside it. I throw it outside, having already molded it into a figure. Funny. I don't even have to think about that anymore. The cool air on my skin makes me feel better at once, and I take in a deep breath in order to stop my body from shaking. I quickly perform a hand sign before my little clay bird hits the ground, causing it to increase its size and making it fly up to my window again.

I startle badly when two warm hands wrap around me from behind.

"What are you doing, Deidara-chan?"

Sasori's voice is shaky, worried, full of fear. I didn't hear him get up. His grip tightens. He's trying to pull me away from the window.

I can't help but chuckle to myself. I may be nuts, but I'm not that desperate.

"I'm not gonna jump, hn."

He gets aware of the huge clay bird in front of the window and lets go of me. Even if it's dark, I can see him blush.

"I'm not quite awake yet", he mumbles and rubs his eyes.

I've never seen him that sleepy before. Whenever we were on a mission, he used to go to bed after me and get up before me. I often wondered if he sleeps at all. But obviously he does.

I climb out of the window and jump onto my bird.

"Where are you going?", Sasori asks.

"Nowhere, hn."

He gives me a puzzled look. Oh. My. He is more than sleepy.

"Just flying around for a while", I say, "to calm down."

I reach out my hand. I never asked someone to come with me so far. I wanted to be alone at night. But with Sasori it's different. I don't want to leave him behind. I don't want to give him the impression I am trying to get away from him. Even though I probably am. He gazes at my hand, slowly escaping his dozy state.

"Come on", I say, "don't miss that unique opportunity of a free night flight."

I bite my tongue at once. I'm being silly again. Why? Why don't I just say I want him to be near me?

He shakes his head.

"Come back here, Deidara-chan", he says, "it's dark outside. I don't want you to get lost."

"This one may be blind", I say and point at my left eye, "but the other one is quite sharp. I won't get lost. I do this almost every night, hn."

Come on. Please. Take my hand. Please come with me. Why can't I say it?

Sasori steps back and mumbles something to himself. I prick my ears.

"Pardon?"

"I'm afraid of heights", he repeats, his voice a bit angry and still shaky.

Holy shit. I can't believe that. I never thought Sasori had any weaknesses at all. He is sharp and experienced in battle. He always knows what to do, and he seems to be able to read his opponents' minds. And he's never been afraid of anything so far, or at least he didn't tell.

"It's fun", I say, but he looks unimpressed. I really need to go now, and I don't want to leave him behind.

"No adventurous maneuvers", I promise, "just floating through the sky."

I know I shouldn't be laughing at him, but I feel like it. I can't believe he's afraid of something that is one of my greatest hobbies, flying. It feels so good to be up there, high upon everything else. I'm sure he'll like it.

I'm still reaching out my arm towards him. It's only three words. Why the hell can't I say them?

"Please", I say, but the other words won't come out.

Sasori eyes the bird suspiciously. He should know it doesn't break easily, as long as I don't want it to. He should know I won't destroy the bird as long as I'm on it. And as long as he's on it, of course.

I'm almost choking on the three words stuck in my throat. Why is it so hard to say them?

"Please", I start another try, and finally succeed, "trust me."

Yatta. Not that hard, after all.

Sasori lifts his head and clasps my hand, then climbs out of the window with trembling legs. I tug his arm before he can look down and pull him close to me, his body crashing against mine when he involuntarily lands on the bird's back. I look into his eyes. They are flickering with fear.

"I've never done this before", he says.

"You'll like it", I say, "I promise, hn."

"You won't run out of chakra while in mid-air, will you?", he whispers.

"Have you ever seen one of my birds crash?", I ask.

"Yes", he replies, his eyes widened with fear.

Ouch. I should choose the right words. Actually, he has seen them crash several times. But it had always to do with annoying enemies that caught me in the air because I was acting reckless, not because I ran out of chakra. I don't need a lot of it to control them. I don't even have to think about that anymore.

I feel the urge to slap myself.

"It won't crash this time", I say with clenched teeth.

I don't want him to be afraid. He made me feel so comfortable last night. I want to return the favor.

I run my fingers through his red hair and carefully bring our lips together, not sure if that is okay with him right now. But he returns the kiss, slowly entering my mouth with his hot tongue, wrapping his arms around me. I focus my chakra while we are kissing, and the bird flaps its wings and soars into the sky.

We break away from each other. I sit down on the bird's back and pull Sasori down as well. I'm used to fly around on it, but he isn't, and it's much easier to hold your balance when sitting. My hair is blowing in the wind, I forgot to tie it back before leaving. It's cold up here, as usual. Sasori runs his fingers across the bird's back with curiosity. I know how it feels. Cold and even and hard, but still flexible. Otherwise it couldn't move its wings and tail in the air, and I couldn't blow it up that easily afterwards.

I wish Sasori would use his fingers to touch me, but he keeps poking the clay bird. His other hand is clutching mine as he peeks over the edge and looks down. The village is in silence. Only a few people can be seen down there. Probably night owls like me, or guardians. But most of the villagers are sleeping right now. I like to watch the village at night. Everything seems so peaceful. It's weird, I usually like bangs and noise, but the silence at night makes me feel good as well.

Sasori's grip loosens and his eyes wander across the houses and trees below us with fascination.

"Not that bad, is it, hn?", I ask.

"No", he says and turns his head, "I actually like it."

He smiles at me, and I smile back. I'm so glad he likes it. My panic has vanished almost completely. I rest my head against Sasori's shoulder and breathe in his smell again. Strawberries. Kind of. Just good. Relaxing.

"How high can this thing go?", he asks.

He's fully awake now, and inquisitive.

"As high as you want", I say and lift my head.

Sasori doesn't seem to be afraid at all, so I perform a hand sign to focus more chakra, and the birds goes up quickly. Five feet. Fifteen. Thirty. Fifty, and he still seems to like it.

"You aren't afraid of heights at all, hn", I say.

"I am", Sasori affirms, "but not with you at my side."

I feel that I'm blushing again. I want to squeeze him for that comment, but I'm too shy again. It's weird. We were so close yesterday, but now I don't dare to touch him. Even though I know he wouldn't, I'm afraid he could push me away.

I let go of his hand, and he gives me a puzzled look.

"What's the matter?", he asks, his eyes wandering over my face in search for an answer.

"I'm no good for you", I whisper.

I don't know where this came from. I know it's not true. He told me just a minute ago that he is feeling comfortable with me at his side. My heart has already understood he loves me, but my head hasn't.

"Ah, shut up already."

His voice isn't harsh, but gentle and calm when he says it. He pulls me close to him and squeezes me, his other hand pressing my head to his shoulder gently but firmly. He starts stroking my neck and I close my eyes. His fingers feel so good on my skin.

"Eh, don't fall asleep", he yells and pokes my side, "we're still in the air!"

"I'm not falling asleep", I chuckle and open my eyes again.

It's way too cold to fall asleep. I'm tempted to make the bird fall down for a second, just to tease him, but I don't. I promised not to do any maneuvers. I wonder why I feel like teasing him, after he's been so kind with me. I'm just stupid and childish and nuts.

"Who keeps telling you you're no good?", Sasori asks.

"The voices in my head", I whisper.

It's the truth. Nobody is actually telling me I'm stupid, or useless, or bad. Nobody but me myself.

Sasori raises his arm and starts to poke my forehead.

"Eh, you stupid voices", he says, "leave my Dei-chan alone."

I have to laugh. He is so cute. And he really wants me to feel better. I finally wrap my arms around him, not feeling afraid to touch him anymore.

"I'm serious", he continues, but with a slightly playful expression on his face, "you're the most precious person to me, no matter what your stupid inner voices say. Just let them talk and don't listen to them."

I snuggle up to Sasori and give him a little kiss on the cheek. For the moment, the voices in my head are quiet. But I know from experience that it will be a tough job to shut them up completely.


	5. Chapter 5

The bird explodes with a bang. Thousands of tiny clay pieces are shot into the midnight air by the pressure, disappearing in the dark.

"Aren't you afraid you could wake up your neighbors?", Sasori asks.

We're in my bedroom again. Of course I didn't run out of chakra. The bird didn't crash but brought us back to the open window safely.

"My neighbors?"

I've never thought about them before. My house is surrounded by a big garden with a lot of trees, the other houses are far away. Well, not that far away, actually. Sasori is probably right. My neighbors are likely to hear the noise of my birds being blown up by me every night.

I curse myself for being that ignorant. I always complain that people don't care about others, but I'm just the same. Not giving a damn about anyone else.

"Let's go back to bed", Sasori says and yawns.

He takes my hand, slowly dragging me along. I close the window and follow him. He lies down on the right this time, obviously too tired to noitce we have changed sides. I don't mind, though. The bathroom is on the right, but I'm sure I won't have to go there again tonight.

Sasori falls asleep immediately, but I can't. I'm fully awake, maybe because of the fresh air in here. I start to think about my neighbors again, although it's not important at all. I always think about things like that. Unnecessary thoughts. Like nearly all of my thoughts. I bend my head and stare at Sasori, who is smiling in his sleep. I wish I could close my eyes and dream something nice and peaceful, just like him. But instead I'm wondering how many people I have woken up a few minutes ago. Six, at least.

Sasori… I still can't believe he's lying in my bed. I keep staring at him. Even though it's dark in here, I can see every detail of his face. His incredibly long eye lashes. His cute little nose, making him appear much younger than he is. His soft red lips. I want to kiss them again. I just want to bend down and kiss them. But for some reason, I don't.

I must have fallen asleep in the end. When I open my eyes, the room is already flooded with light. I can't believe how messy it actually is. It looks as if my whole life took place in here. Oh well. It actually does. I'm not using the other rooms very much, only the kitchen and the bathrooms, one downstairs and one upstairs. Everything else I do in here. Working, a little bit of my training, sleeping, eating, drinking. Drinking, yes. I drink a lot. Not too much. Just a lot.

I suddenly get aware of Sasori's hands, which are wrapped around me tightly from behind, his body close to mine. They must have been there all night, but I only notice now. I can tell that he's awake, he's not snoring anymore. I don't say anything, though. At the moment, I don't want to talk. I just want to lie there and be held by him. He moves closer to me, his face almost touching mine.

"Dei-chan", he whispers, "are you awake?"

"Yes, hn."

"Good morning."

I don't turn around to look at him. It's stupid, but somehow I'm afraid he could look different than yesterday. Less beautiful, maybe.

"Dei-chan", he repeats, voice still quiet, "may I touch you?"

What a silly question. He already is touching me. His hands have moved to my face, carefully brushing my hair out of it.

"Of course, hn."

A shiver runs down my spine when his hand starts to crawl down my neck. I really, really like being touched there.

"May I kiss you, Dei-chan?", he continues, "There, I mean."

His fingers stop at my shoulder blade, slowly drawing circles.

"You don't have to ask my permission, hn."

I don't have the faintest idea why he keeps asking me. He kissed me several times yesterday. Why shouldn't he be allowed to do it now? It doesn't make much difference whether he kisses me on my mouth or my neck. His lips feel good on my body, no matter where. He doesn't press them down, though. He just brushes them slightly against my skin. I close my eyes. It's nice to start the day like that. I almost forgot how good it feels to wake up next to somebody else.

"You're still beautiful", he says, "for some reason I was afraid you could look different today."

Funny.

His fingers keep moving, gently stroking me. I can't believe how careful he is. As if he was afraid to break me or something. Well, he could. Easily. He could simply get out of bed and leave the house without a word. But he doesn't. He stays here, in my bed. He slowly uncovers my shoulder, pulling my shirt away just a little bit, then brings his lips down once again. I lie still under his touch.

"Is this okay with you?", Sasori asks.

Hell yes, it is. I can't remember when I was treated like this before. With so much care. So much love. He's so different from them. The people that touched me before. I was afraid he could be like them at first, but he isn't at all. He doesn't pull my hair, doesn't dig his fingernails into my flesh, doesn't cover my mouth with his hand to keep me from screaming.

"Is this okay with you?", Sasori repeats, "Or am I going too far?

He stops kissing me, but his hand keeps moving, slowly caressing my neck. A wave of excitement starts to roll through my body, making me feel hot all over. Oh God, I'll get all horny if he doesn't stop touching me there.

I can't help that. I get turned on easily. My body is weak, just like back then.

"Deidara, please say something."

Sasori's voice is shaky. Great. Once again, I've succeeded to make him worry.

"I need a shower, hn."

Yes, there are a lot of things I could have said instead of this. But the words just slip out of my mouth, like they always do.

"I didn't hurt you, did I?", Sasori asks.

I turn around and give him a kiss. Just a little one on the cheek. He understands what I'm trying to tell him by that, and smiles at me.

"You were lying there without any motion", he says, "I didn't know how to interpret that."

I don't know how to interpret that, either. I just know that I'm all hot and sweaty now, and I'm sure I smell of sex, even though nothing happened yet.

"I just need a shower, hn."

It's cold in the bathroom. I forgot to close the window when I was in here tonight. I turn on the water and start to undress. I hope Sasori is still lying in the bed and doesn't try to follow me. I've locked the door, like I always do, even when I'm alone. I don't feel comfortable with my doors unlocked. The thought of a sexy red head in my shower gives me a thrill, but for some reason I don't want him to join me. I'm not ready for that yet.

I take a look in the mirror, a thing I haven't done in a while. The only thing I care about is my hair. All the other features of my body I don't like very much. Although people keep telling me I look good, I can't stand looking at myself. Yes, my eyes are of a pretty blue, but they look so sad, so empty I want to gouge them out from time to time. Especially the left one. It reminds me of so much pain, of my unability to handle life.

I realize that my face is flushed, and for some reason I like it. I don't look that absent-minded today, but much better, healthier, and – happy. I smile, and find myself to like it as well. Maybe this day will be different. Maybe things are changing. Maybe the dark thoughts and feelings won't be there from now on.

I step into the shower and start to wash my hair. The smile is still on my face, I can't see it but feel it. Feels good. I feel good.

Oh my God, did I really use the words feel and good to describe myself?

I can still feel Sasori's lips on mine, and on my neck, and my shoulder. For a short moment, I imagine him standing behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and resting his head on my shoulder, whispering into my ear. Those words, the three words I haven't heard from anyone in a while.

He loves me… This guy loves me… Me…

All of a sudden, the voices in my head start talking again, drowning all the positive thoughts I've had a minute ago.

_He's lied to you… He's just said it to torture you… He just wants your body… He doesn't love you… He's a liar… liar… liar…_

I almost scream out loud.

The liquid running down my arms isn't clear anymore. It's red. Deep red.

Shit. What monster have I become? I don't even notice it anymore when I hurt myself…

My heart starts racing. I'm covered in blood, thick streams flowing down my arms, my chest, my legs, collecting at the bottom of the shower in a brownish puddle.

It doesn't even hurt. I don't feel myself. I don't feel anything at all. I just hear myself pant like from far away, breath coming quick and hasty. I'm hyperventilating. Again. Without reason.

Why… Why does this always have to happen? This isn't real… can't be real… I felt so good today…

This. Is. Not. Real.

I turn down the temperature as far as it will go. The only thing I can think of right now. The cold water on my back makes me gasp, and finally I succeed to catch my breath again. I don't move, I just remain standing under the shower, the ice cold water painfully hitting my body.

I don't know how many minutes pass by until I turn off the water. The blood has vanished completely. There's just water. Clear, fresh water.

I get out of the shower and start to examine my body. No cuts. No single scratch on my arms, apart from the scars. So it was just my imagination, my sick mind playing a nasty trick on me, flooding my vision with pictures that scare the shit out of me. I don't know if I should feel sad or happy about that.

Which is worse? Cutting yourself without noticing or seeing something that isn't real but fucking feels like it?

I start to brush my hair, untangling the strands without care. I don't give a damn if it hurts. I feel numb, anyway.

Two blue eyes are staring at me from the mirror, not showing any emotion. I raise my hand and slap myself. Hard. Right across my face. Why do I have to be that way? Why can't they just go away, the pictures, the thoughts, the memories, the voices? _You're no good… You're not worth anything… You… better… kill… yourself…_

Shut the fuck up.


End file.
